Be Happy By Yourself

I have a friend who clocked 35 this year. A day after her birthday, I decided to visit her because she didn't sound too happy on her birthday. On getting to her house, music was blaring loudly in her living room:

All by myself, don’t wanna be all by myself anymore” All by myself by Celine Dion.

I knew what the matter was, but again I did not know what to say.

Deep down, nobody wants to be by themselves, nobody wants to be single at 40 with no family to come home to. It’s actually worse for my friend as her parents are late and her siblings are in the UK. So she lived alone and had few friends, workaholic to the bone…

Well, I was confused and did not know what to say. I’m not one to give advice.

We hugged and I asked her if she was happy by herself, happy in her own company. Her response: Of cos not Bee, stop asking silly questions!

There, as far as I was concerned, that was the problem. I have another former colleague who happens to be her age mate but guess what, she was living the life.

She has so many activities going on that there was no time to moon over man or lack of the right one. “At night she would remember.. My sister would say whenever I brought up the topic of how friend B enjoys live to the fullest while friend A frowns at everyone and is most times moody.

If you ask me, friend B is so much fun and she has taught me to know that your happiness is in your hands, and nobody else’s

So enjoy life to the fullest, meet new people, go out to events, make new friend most and I think importantly enjoy your solitude. I simply love it when I have me time. Time for myself and by myself only! Meditate, read, shop, take time to relax., You only live once, Live it well, single, married, divorced, separated  etc.

Choose happiness, Be happy by yourself…

Relationship with "THE ONE" !

So I decided to write about heartbreaks..

I have broken hearts and I have gotten my heart broken. You know that saying… ‘What goes around comes around. Well yeah, it’s the very truth..

So if you have broken someone’s heart and you think you can never be heartbroken, think again… trust me I am so right on this one!

I am not going to give you the regular top ten tips to deal with heartbreak as Cosmo would.

No, I am just going to share what I am certain helps always.

Let me start by saying: I remember calling my friend and crying over the phone over well…relationship issues…

His response was: Sweetheart, I’m so sorry, I really don’t know what to say but how is your relationship right now with God cos if you are cool with God, every other relationship just works out. I know it may not make sense right now but maybe you should pray.

That hit me hard…I haven’t had a good time praying at the time… How could I? Guilty conscience was still pricking me like injection needles.

I said “Ok thanks, cut the call and went on my knees

An hour later, he called back. Did I say something wrong? Did I upset you, I was only… I cut him off, Kay you are the best, thank you for making my day. At that moment, the point he made really hit me……

Was I okay after the prayer? No!  Was the hurt still there? Yes!  But guess what I felt peace…Inner Peace. Once your relationship is right with God, every other relationship would be fine, when you have a relationship outside his approval then expect the worst.

No I don’t want to sound churchy or prudish, I am just saying it as it is.

If you are Non-Christian, free thinker or Pagan, please read on (I respect your religious decisions , however I proudly announce who I believe in to whoever cares to listen.)

So you have cried, sworn, hate on yourself, hate on the person who put you through the pain. You can’t do it on your own. Pray, write, do whatever it is that would serve as an outlet for the pain (minus of course, getting back with culprit) Yes getting back, how many of u are stuck in the wrong relationship but scared to take a walk… I know quite a few… (Topic for another day)

My point: You can’t do it on your own; after you have obeyed the ten ‘ridiculous’ tips you see everywhere on how to get over heartbreak you need God to help you , to heal you. He created you, so healing in you is no big deal at all. Be still and let him have his way.

Cheers!!!

SPEAK LIFE!

It was hectic getting home; I had gotten soaked by the rain…  

I must have muttered ‘I feel like dying several times’ as the rain pelted down. I got home and stormed in very angrily ignoring even my mother’s greeting. I was furious! There was a free car at home, my dad insisted that I can drive to the island and back and I also cannot afford a driver as I am on a “cash diet “so there I was jumping BRT’s and getting soaked by the rain..

I locked my bedroom door and I had my bath with cold water ignoring the chill in my lungs.. Then I jumped atop my bed still angry, forgot to pray, and I slept just like that..

The pain woke me up! It felt like air was squeezed out of my lungs…I couldn't cry, I couldn't move

(I was going to die). I have never experienced this kind. This was different; I could smell death sniffing life out of me. Flashback scene of me storming into the house, racing to my bedroom, ignoring my mother’s voice and knock on my door, Replayed in my head thinking I was going to die like that after displaying such rude behavior to the Number one woman in my life.

How would they find me tomorrow morning, I staggered to get up. This was different; I haven’t experienced any Sickle cell crisis like this.  Acute chest syndrome wasn't like this…No it wasn't , I tried to get a pen and paper to scribble ... I’m sorry Mum, I couldn't live up to your dreams, I’m sorry I was rude tonight.  Then the familiar pain came back, it was stinging, that was when I yelled, Jesus help!

I unlocked the door and raced to my parent’s bedroom. Pray for me daddy I managed to mumble before slumping on the floor. My mum held me in her lap, I don’t want to die, mummy not now. I whispered in between the pains..

“You shall not die, you will live to declare the name of the Lord in the land of the living, say it, and open your mouth, SPEAK LIFE!  She yelled at me almost hitting me to ensure those words sink in… Somehow, they helped me downstairs to the car. I thought of the needles. I was sick of a doctor trying to find my vain, sick of drugs, hated the smell of the hospital. I spoke silently “Lord Jesus please help me, I don’t want to go through this anymore.. But u kept saying u feel like dying the voice said in my head. I clutched my mother’s hand, I speak life I yelled again as tears poured down my face…

By the time my dad drove out of the compound I was fine. He kept staring at me oddly. I kept reassuring them I was fine. We went back inside and I slept like a baby. I woke up and again I spoke life.

Death wouldn't take me because I am too weak to fight, it'll only take me because God says my time is now, come home!

Speak Life!

You are what u say!

Lioness- Hear me Roar

DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS

TO BE IN SO MUCH PAIN

THIS DISEASE CALLED SICKLE CELL

IT’S VERY HARD TO EXPLAIN

EVERY PATIENT WITH HIS OWN DIFFERENT TALE

SOMETIMES THE PAIN COMES

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE

AND ALL I CAN DO IS

THINK OF HOW IT'S SO UNFAIR

ALL I CAN SO IS SCREAM AND YELL

OTHER TIMES ALL I CAN DO IS WHIMPER

THE LOOK IN MY MOTHER’S EYES

TEARS GATHERING AS SHE HOLDS ME

WILLING TO TAKE UP THE PAIN UPON HERSELF

MY FATHER LEAVES UNABLE TO WITHSTAND MY SCREAMS

HE SITS OUTSIDE IN THE WARD

MY SISTER SAYS HE BLAMES HIMSELF

SOMETIMES I BLAME HIM TOO

SOMETIMES I FORGET

UNTIL ANOTHER PAIN EPISODE ARISES

WITH EACH YEAR

THE CRISIS HAS REDUCED

BUT THE PAIN; I HATE TO THINK OF IT

I DREAD IT

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TOMMORROW BRINGS

WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT 

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE SICKLE CELL

DOES NOT MEAN YOU CANNOT EXCELL

JUST BECAUSE THEY SAY YOU CAN'T

WORK HARDER TO SHOW THEM YOU CAN

JUST BECAUSE THEY SAY YOU HAVE A SHORT LIFESPAN

LIVE YOUR LIFE AND PUT IMPRINTS ON THE SANDS OF TIME

 AND IF YOU DO THINGS RIGHT

KNOW THAT GOD WILL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BACK

I AM A LIONESS, HEAR ME ROAR!

Sinking

Dunno when I lost it

Pray I'm reclaiming it

Dunno if I'm redeemable

Lord help me

I used to be Jesus baby

I love dt name

Its in my signature

But when old friends refer to me like dt

I'm overcome wit shame

I'm totally unworthy now

What happpened?

Jesus has disowned me

Or did I disown him

With d path I took

D voice

I chose to listen to d voice of my own desires

I defiled several times the Lord's temple

I'm so unworthy

But David inspires me

Despite everything, ur mercy prevailed

David was regarded as a man after God's own heart

Lord I'm unworthy

With a repentant heart

I ask dt u mold me, break me

Bless me wit ur grace

I want to obey ur voice nd

Not continue to be a slave to my desires

I became a useless vessel

I no longer hear u

Silence is all I get

Like a bulb wit no light

I've bin cut off

Redeem me blessed saviour

I'm sorry- I give myself back to u

Help me my true love

Help me know u anew

Merciful God yet consuming fire

Please have mercy

I want to hold on to the finish

I want to hold on to d end

I would finish well

Birthday Wishlist

I know I have grown older or maybe I have just become boring. I wrote my short wish list and I thought about my 20^th and 21^st birthday wish list and I knew there has been a total transformation.

A lot has happened; I have lost 2 friends to plane crash and to Nigeria’s poor healthcare management respectively.

The reality of how short life is has hit me hard in the face:

I have decided that as I clock 24, my life is going to be what I decide to make out of it and therefore, I would Live life to the fullest, no inhibitions and I mean that positively only.

I wish for a better Nigeria without the bombings, killings and cruelty.

I wish that my destiny and purpose in life is actualized.

These days I get restless, it feels like there is something missing in my life and I know what that is about. The hunger and thirst for more exploration, my dreams to be actualised: I can’t keep talking about it, I have to start living it.

I wish to be a blessing to people and touch as many lives as possible

(Making others smile puts a lasting smile on your face…. Bolade)

I wish for more wisdom, excellent health and lasting happiness

I wish to be better in every area of my life

There goes my wishlist!!

Thus on this note, I am declaring some things to myself and I want to live by this: I have started and sometimes I fall short.. I check myself again and get back up..

Life is a learning process:

1. I will never speak or think negatively about myself for that puts me in disagreement with God’s thoughts of me which are always good and not evil to bring me to an expected end.

2. I will mediate on my strengths and learn to encourage myself

3. I will not compare myself to anyone else, I am unique and one of a kind.

4. I will focus on my potentials not on my limitations.

5. I will do everything I have to do, well and with excellence.

6. I pray for courage to be different, to please God and not people

7. I will learn to handle criticism. I will let it develop me, not discourage me.

8. I will determine my own worth before someone else does it for me

9. I will learn from my mistakes, I am a work in progress.

10. I will focus on my greatest source of confidence - my God

We are buried in sin but God says He will cleanse us from all the guilt of our sin and forgive all my rebellion against Him!

Yes sometimes we mourn but God promises restoration! Sometimes we are sick but He promises health and healing!

Other wish list items:

1. White Suit

2. Orange pants, shoe and bag

3. Colourful bandage dress

10. Sequined Shorts

14. Blue pumps

16. Chunky necklaces

l probably have to buy most of the stuff here myself …lol

Appreciation Note

Today is 25^th of July 2012 and I have just clocked 24!!! Yipee…

All thanks to God for keeping me… How can I say thank you to my Maker? You are everything to me…  I can’t begin to thank you for everything..

I want to appreciate all the special people in my life. I started out this year tentatively and optimistic for the best. Tentatively because it felt like I was walking on eggs…. in some areas of my life

So today, I am looking back at life, events, happenings, friends, family…all that has helped shaped me into me

January started out well with the compulsory strike and stay at home, travelling. Weeks turned into months and months turned into July! I am Leo, hear me roar >>>>

February, I knew I had a frenemy: U would read this and you would know this is about u and I care not!

Frenemies: My understanding of frenemy means enemy disguised as friend..

We were childhood friends and I always had your back, I thought you had mine as well!. Anyway, 2011 taught me to never say never! Dearie I won’t go into details, what’s more I love you, I am a Christian and I am not your frenemy. Why you chose to see me as a competition is totally beyond me! Why you chose to laugh and share with people I hardly talk to that I had an ulcer on my leg was hurtful and deep. I have forgiven you, I don’t need any baggage!

Now back to people who have made my year

Parents: Mummy for the love, the prayers! U have been wonderful … even the push!!

Daddy:  The Confidence you keep instilling, the friendship, endless gisting episodes, sharing your experiences, for having answers to almost all of my endless questions, U are simply the best!!!

Genes would never be a barrier, I am a living testimony and I could not wish for better parents than the one’s God blessed me with, and if this is the price I pay to be their daughter …Then why not?

We have bonded more and learnt to appreciate each other

Yemisi: My complaint memo, when I’m down, I pour it out on you, you never complain. You just always know how to make me feel better. When you don’t have the right words, then you cry with me…  Thank you

Blessing: I haven’t seen you enough this year!!  U have been more away than home and it’s so  sad and painful (Sob sob) I like how I try to take care of you and you turn around and take care of me instead..

Seun:  Little Miss Sunshine!! I am yet to meet someone more optimistic. For you, no matter the situation, you make a joke out of it. Always smiling, always happy, always optimistic!! If I’m down, once I call you, you always leave me with a smile. To think there was a time, we couldn’t stand each other!!! We sure must have been crazy. I love you sweetheart!

Rotimi: Comic Relief! I’m your target when u want to crack a joke.  Naughty child! Blackky Thanks for standing by me in Feb with the leg ulcer tearing me apart, U cracked jokes out of it and still made me laugh and most importantly, your concern was genuine, Stay black! Much love

Jimade: True son of his Father, crafty as a fox, I guess we are going to keep trying to outsmart each other.

Family is everything and has no end. I hold you all specially to my heart!

Friends:

I already spoke about my frenemy, I’ve got loads of acquaintances but very few carefully selected friends!

TY: You are my best friend! You have been my best friend for the past six years and I am grateful to God to have you in my life. We fight, we disagree to agree. Most importantly, we tell each other the truth.  You accept me as I am, faults and all and vice- versa.. Something’s can never be bought. True friendship is one of them.

Mariam Esiaba: You refused to conform, Sticking with your Iphone, refused to join Facebook..dunno if that makes things worse or makes me value you all the more. All the same, NYSC brought us together and together we have been. One word to describe you: Amazing. You bring out the best in me, to think it’s just a year gap yet you treat me like a baby! I don’t mind that anyway.

IJ: My ambitious sweetheart! Smart, crazy choleric action driven, I love you for you. For standing by me through the worst! For telling me the truth, for criticizing me…that was deep, painful but invaluable! To think we met by chance in a BRT bus, Thank God for everything! There’s always something to be thankful for. Who would have thought I would have met someone as Smart, Independent and hardworking like you in a BRT bus? You push me to be better and I won’t be surprised if I see u on Forbes cover page in the future… Her birthday is in a few days’ time…

Why? Ij, we should have been sisters then we’d go everywhere together like Siamese twins lol.

Happy Birthday in Advance, we would definitely be rocking together dis weekend!!

Temitope: Iyawo Pastor! Surely you have to marry a pastor. That’s the only prayer I have for you till you are married lol. I am yet to meet any young youth in our age group with the fire and zeal you have to serve God. You have completely sold yourself out to serve God. When I look at you, I’m amazed; God can still be merciful to a prodigal child like me. You don’t rub it in anyone’s face, you don’t have a holier than thou attitude, yet your character speaks volumes, your resilient spirit, your love for him is so evident. You carry out church duties happily even when you are inconvenienced and stressed. I pray God upholds you. You may not know but people are watching, people are looking up to you…I pray for grace to serve God like you.  Thank you for the motivation and for not giving up on me even when I gave up on me.

Niyilola: You and Tayo are officially family and not friends. You know how you helped me this year. You know everything! Thank you sweetheart, I love you!

Temitope: Thank you for being my friend. The friend I have never met! Our chats on BB are endless. You are sincere; you make me feel important with myself. You are a confidante and in this journey of life, I am glad I met you

Bunmi Aliyu: I have had many childhood friends, but you stand out. Over the years, we lost touch with each other and drifted apart. We met again in 2012 and it felt like we had just spoken to each other yesterday. We just bond! We just blend! And when I say best friend’s forever, you know I’m referring to you!

Russell: I know you are angry and we are both selfish and stubborn. But I would have it no other way. 

Aunty: What can I say? I wish you were here, I know you are smiling down at me and us and I would keep my promise always.

Ini and Nabil: You left too soon, but your memories are blazing on in my heart

Anonymous: This list would not be complete without you. It hurts that I can’t put your name here, that I can’t shout your name over the rooftops that I have to conceal and even stifle my feelings always.  It hurts that I have to be in this situation. I know what true love is because I still love you. Despite everything, despite every word, every tear, every heartache, and every horrible night I cried myself to sleep that month…  Oddly, I guess you have helped me to define love because that is what I feel and I wonder, if this is not love then what is?  I would leave it at that…….

There goes my long list of invaluable friends! If you are on this list, consider yourself really important and yes invaluable.  I love you all and as I add another year today, I want to be a better daughter, sister, friend, writer, church worker, and staff. I want to be better in every area of my life. This is as personal as it would come. But it’s my birthday so I’d cut some slack.

Thank God and thank you all. I am grateful!

One love!!

Online Diary

Hello!

This is my new online diary. Follow me and enjoy what goes on in my life.
I have some pretty old posts that I would be putting up soon.

Stay tuned!!